Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Utilitarian Ethic of Science


Scientists at Newcastle University have shown that by giving a cow a name and treating her as an individual, farmers can increase their annual milk yield significantly:
The study, published online in the academic journal Anthrozoos, found that on farms where each cow was called by her name the overall milk yield was higher than on farms where the cattle were herded as a group.

"Just as people respond better to the personal touch, cows also feel happier and more relaxed if they are given a bit more one-to-one attention," explains Dr Douglas, who works in the School of Agriculture, Food and Rural Development at Newcastle University.
The good doctor helpfully closes with this advice: "Placing more importance on knowing the individual animals and calling them by name can – at no extra cost to the farmer – also significantly increase milk production."

Something tells me that those farmers that aren't already predisposed to naming their livestock will find it difficult to incorporate his advice and suddenly begin sweet-talking Daisy and Bessie on their barnyard walks. What's more, I suspect that the cows themselves--intelligent beings that they are--might become suspicious if their owner goes from spitting or kicking at them to cooing sweet nothings on a moonlit night. If they don't become wary at this turn of events, evidenced by, say, a reduction in their milk production, said cows are likely not very bright after all.

It shouldn't be long now before we see numerous advertisements for seminars in cow-psychology, followed by early morning talk shows (Dr. Milk?), and a booming demand for cow-sitters (yes, I spelled that correctly). More likely, this will spawn the next great comic series--yes, Milkbert--where the bovine protagonist suffers through barnyard indignities and stupid HR policies. Hmmm, that gives me an idea for a hit TV show (you saw it here first)...The Barnyard.

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